I have come to the place where I am frustrated with being sick and tired. I have little control over anything in my life. I am weary of it. And the junk in my throat, is disgusting and I am tired of spitting and gagging. I'm just mad today, you pick it and I'll be mad about it. Everything is bugging me. Nothing in my body feels or works right. We are on week 8 and I want to see the end of the road. I think that the stress of not knowing how this will turn out is taking it's toll. Add that to how crappy I feel and I think you understand why I want to be done. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could pick how long we want to suffer? But God's ways are different than mine and scripture says that this is for my good, to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. It also says that it is developing character and refining me. So how come I am not enjoying this? if it is for my good ultimately. Because it's painful(emotionally and physically) and I don't like pain. Pain makes me mad . I try to avoid it. But this time, I have to stick it out and be a part of something I did not pick for my life that doesn't feel good. I want to stick it out, but I do not like feeling uncomfortable for even short periods of time, let alone 8 weeks and counting. No one can do this for me, I can't blame anyone, I want to persevere because this is what the Lord has for me at this time of my life. And I have learned that I don't want to give up short of the blessing. I do want to run this race with honor and praise to God, however it is not easy and would almost feel easier to stay stuck here in my bad attitude. 

But if you know my wife, you know she is going to harass me, and cheer me up out of this rotten mood. So I won't stay here long, but this is how it is right now. She'll end up making me laugh.

Pray for a conscious shift in my attitude and for the junk in my throat to go away.

I'm off to read/meditate on Psalm 18.