The other day I mentioned that Proverbs 18 is one of my favorite chapters in the bible. As I was looking at it again this morning I was considering the truth of Proverbs 18:1 - "He who separates himself seeks his own desires, he quarrels against all sound wisdom."
For these past weeks communication with others has been very challenging. I had no voice for a while and when I could talk I felt so crummy that I had no strength to do it. I found myself avoiding people because it was so hard to talk or write on my little board. I had not left the house in so long, except to go to my appointments at Stanford. Oh yeah, I did walk outside a few times but basically I was either in bed or on the couch. However, this last Saturday I made the decision to go with Susan to the grocery store. This was huge though I will say it was uncomfortable. You get so used to your little world being just the way you want it even if you aren't happy in it, it is comfortable and easy. The next day, Sunday, we went to church. It was the first time I had been to church in probably 8 weeks. Again it was uncomfortable but I was so glad to be doing real life rather than milling around the house. I was tired afterwards but happy to have broken the bonds of thinking I can't leave the house.
I realize now just how squirrelly my thinking had become. It is so easy to get going in the wrong direction in your head when you are alone. Not that I was alone with Susan here but I wasn't talking with her much because I felt so lousy. This whole thing has been pretty isolating.
As I am getting out more, talking more, thinking more about life and not just the next treatment, I am encouraged in the Lord. When I was just lying around the voice of the Lord sounded suspiciously like my own voice which led me to think some pretty weird thoughts. Now things are improving. Proverbs 18:1 is right, I was separated and I got weirder and weirder. I wasn't open and was captive to the little world of my making and distorted thinking. Thankfully I am reentering and beginning to live life again, slowly one day at a time. It's hard physically but oh so good for me.
2 comments:
While I was reading what you wrote today...I couldn't help but think of something I heard on KLOVE on my way to work this morning and again on my way home from work this evening.
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Gods will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will.
...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. How appropriate is that???
I think you are too hard on yourself...it takes time to regain your energy and strength...you have been through a heck of an ordeal. It is okay to slowly ease back into life. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time...whatever it takes.
Now I'm just rambling...I love you and God loves you no matter how squirrelly your thinking is.
Great truth Mike, thanks for sharing, my thinking seems to also get way out there when I am isolated! I will share a thought that is somewhat connected I read from Eugene Peterson "What we must never be encouraged to do, although all of us are guilty of it over and over, is to force Scripture to fit our experience. Our experience is too small;it;s like trying to put the ocean into a thimble. What we want is to fit into the world revealed by scripture, to swim in this vast ocean."
I felt that what you shared and you putting yourself out there in the midst of this tough time is just like taking a plunge into the vast ocean, Eugene is talking about!
Love you bro,
Ben
Post a Comment